When Anthropology Meets Reality: A Mother’s Journey

As an anthropologist at heart and a Cold War party girl, I’ve studied the intricate dynamics of family relationships across cultures.

Yet my own experience has taught me something rarely discussed in academic circles: how to maintain dignity and boundaries when adult children treat your home as a revolving door and your resources as an endless well.

The Mother-Daughter Economics

My relationship with my eldest daughter has evolved into an uncomfortable pattern.

What parenting books delicately call ‘maintaining boundaries’ is a constant struggle, more akin to managing periodic invasions—complete with unpaid loans, damaged furniture, and walls that bear witness to each temporary residence.

My home transforms into an impromptu shelter whenever crisis strikes, only to be left in disarray when the storm passes.

The Hidden Costs of Always Being There

Society celebrates maternal sacrifice but rarely acknowledges its literal price tag. Behind the scenes of ‘being there’ for my adult child lies a trail of financial strain, property damage, and the emotional toll of watching your personal space become collateral damage. Each emergency brings not just practical aftermath but also emotional upheaval, leaving me with walls that tell stories I’d rather forget.

Learning to Love Differently

At (almost) 55, I’m finally learning that true maternal love sometimes means saying no to chaos. It means acknowledging that helping doesn’t always help and that enabling patterns of dependency serves neither parent nor child. It’s about finding the courage to maintain boundaries even when your heart wants to leave the door wide open.

The greatest insight? Being a good mother doesn’t mean sacrificing your own journey.

In fact, modelling self-respect and personal growth might be one of our children’s most valuable gifts, inspiring them to do the same.

May harmony find you,

Irena Phaedra